CoMO Sports: Why The Big 12 Is Like Lindsay Lohan

After a year of following the issue of “conference realignment” in major college athletics (oh, yeah… academics, too, I guess), I’ve learned one thing about the Big 12 Conference:

They are the Lindsay Lohan of NCAA BCS conferences.

Here’s why…

The Big 12 is a hot mess.

The conference HAS enjoyed a number of tremendous highs. Since the formation of the conference in 1996, the Big 12 has scored 54 total national championships in every sport imaginable. That equates to about 3 or 4 NCAA championships every year. Every school (including former members Colorado & Nebraska) has won a Big 12 title in something, so it’s a competitive league as well.

Lindsay Lohan has had major (non-drug related) “scores” in her career as well. “The Parent Trap” remake was cute. “Mean Girls” was hilarious and is now a cult-classic. She’s even won a damn Grammy.

But Lohan has also won three out of the five Razzie Awards she’s been nominated for. If there were a “Razzie” for athletic conferences, the Big 12 would have won for last summer’s attempt at keeping their schools. They’re also nominated again this summer for their work on the sequel (Texas A&M). Win or lose, it’s always an honor just to be nominated.

Like Lindsay Lohan, the Big 12 doesn’t know what she’s going to do at 4:00 PM, much less in 2012.

Colorado? Gone. Nebraska? Gone. Texas A&M? Cheating and loving it. So, the Big 12 will need to replace these ex-boyfriends at some point. I see and hear A LOT of names on A LOT of publications and sports shows pop up as “possible additions” to the conference roster.

I’m going out on a limb, here… so bare with me…

What I REALLY think is the main comparison you can make between the Big 12 and Lindsay Lohan… is “datability”.

Lindsay Lohan is not at all attractive to any of Hollywood’s hottest bachelors. If you’ve got a career, some noteriety, are moderately good-looking, and don’t want to lose it all on a fling with a wildcard… you DON’T DATE LINDSAY LOHAN.

Notre Dame will not want to join the Big 12. BYU will not want to join the Big 12. Arkansas will not want to join the Big 12. All three of those schools are in positive, stable situations that they’ve created for themselves.

Notre Dame is independent, respected, and billing top dollar. Basically, a top veteran Hollywood actor that can guarantee big box office. BYU is also finally an independent and is like an award winning supporting actor, finally getting a shot to play a leading role on their own terms. Arkansas is the type-casted comedy actor that keeps cranking out sequel after sequel and collecting paycheck after paycheck. You likely won’t see many accolades come his way, but you can bet it will be quality work and that he’ll continue grinding it out well into his 70’s.

So, like Lindsay Lohan is a red flag for the top actors in Hollywood, the Big 12 will have to look elsewhere for a love interest. They both have to begin their search for somebody that is either: A) Poor & small-time; B) Will do anything to get any level of exposure; C) Doesn’t care that you’re on the verge of a shipwreck, as long as he can stay in the guest house.

TCU would love to hook up.

Houston would be happy to get drunk and make out.

SMU would probably go all the way on the first date, no questions asked.

So, if the Big 12 and fans of their member schools think that some kind of rabbit will be pulled out of a hat and that Notre Dame will trade any kind of it’s financial freedom and courtship from the Big Ten, just to get a spot in the cracked and leaking Big 12…

Your time would be better spent waiting by the phone with Lindsay Lohan, hoping Bradley Cooper will call.

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