Who’s ready to trick or treat? Or in my case, take my 6 month old around to show him off and score a bunch of free candy that my fiance won’t let me eat. Either way, we are all ready to trick or treat, party, or whatever it is you do for Halloween.
What we may not be ready to do is pick out a Halloween costume. Here is a quick Top 10 list of the worst Halloween costumes and being the nice guy I am, I included a few Halloween costume tips for you.
10. A California Raisin: Putting a trash bag over yourself and going as a raisin that was in a fictional band is pretty lame, almost as lame as me remembering this 1989 tragedy of a band.
9. Kris Kross: Wearing your clothes backwards will make you look like an idiot. No one will look at you and think of two 12 year olds who liked to jump and missed the bus back in 1992.
8. Party Boy from Jackass: Only bad things can come from a dude wearing a bow tie and a speedo. Think wardrobe malfunction.
7. The Scream Mask: 1996 called, they want their Halloween costume back.
6. A Ghost: Seriously think long and hard about who else cuts two eye holes in a sheet and wears it around. Not going there.
5. Dudes dressed as girls: As funny as you might think that is, it’s really creepy and other bros are not laughing with you. They’re laughing at you. And vice versa, no one goes out on Halloween to see a chick with slicked back hair looking like a dude. If I wanted to see this I would watch “Just One of the Guys,” well, until the end which makes another one of my Top 10 lists.
4. The Mammogram Testing Costume: Good idea in theory but trust me. If anyone comes in for a test, you’ll probably want to turn them away. If you do go with this don’t stop by your Grandma’s house, especially if she often mistakes you for the doctor.
3. Jersey Shore Character: If I see one more over-weight, middle-aged dude lift his shirt up, point to his beer gut, and say “look at my situation,” or a girl who is oompa loompa colored, I am going to seriously question where our country will be in the next 5 years.
2. Vampires: You might be thinking “hold on, vampires are totally awesome and a staple of Halloween.” This was true until they started sparkling like a bucket of glitter was dumped on them and 13 year old girls were obsessed with them. Thanks Twilight.
1. Yourself: This is some BS that Adrian Grenier or Vince from Entourage would pull. Totally lame just like the Entourage finale but that’s a different story. Everyone thinks you are an idiot when you do this.
Here are a few tips to make sure your costume doesn’t fail:
Topical costumes – This is a tricky area. If anyone has ever told you that you have a bad sense of comic timing, you should avoid topical costumes. For example, stained Monica Lewinsky costumes were all the rage in Oct. 1998, and it was funny. But the sad handful of girls who chose the same costume in 1999 found new meaning to the phrase “walk of shame.” And Lewinsky had a decent amount of staying power back then. If you were to show up this year with a Michelle, or even Marcus Bachamann costume, you should know that people are making fun of you when you turn around.
Women costumes – We get it you want to be a little naughty. There is nothing wrong with wearing a sexy costume I for one enjoy it, that is until I feel like the house party I am at has been transformed in to Club Vogue. As a general rule, if your schtick involves putting the word “slutty” in front of your costume name, then stop right there, because you’re about to become a walking, talking cliché.
Dude costumes – Quite the opposite of the women costumes. Skin is not better. No need for you to take this opportunity to show off how big of a meat head you are. Leave the Tarzan outfit at home. No one wants to watch you chug your beer and beat your chest like a cave man.
Kid costumes – Moms, what you think is cute will probably get your kid beat up or made fun of. Your son doesn’t want to go as Winnie the Poo even though you think it is super cute. Also dressing the family up as a theme is a terrible idea. Trust me your husband doesn’t want to dress up as Mickey Mouse.
This Top 10 list and these tips shoud help you from having a disaster of a Halloween costume. Feel free to comment below with other terrible costumes you have seen. In my 30 years one thing is for sure, people need help picking out Halloween costumes.