The Comoian: An Ode to Reuben

It’s Monday, but I don’t feel like complaining. We’ve got time before the whole world comes to an end later this year. So, I’ll complain about something next time.

For now, it’s time to talk about my only reason for living: Reuben Mondays at Sub Shop.

My first love was a red-headed boy with eleven toes and eighteen teeth named Reuben. Reuben was tall, like seven-foot tall and had the boniest elbows that would just make me purr with delight – like an alley cat in heat. With such large hands and feet, one would think that his head would also be large, but instead it was maybe the size of a softball. Still, I longed for the moments when Reuben would wrap his entire frame around my 4’10”, 90-lbs. body and scream sweet nothings into my ear with his raspy voice, unable to control his volume due to a neurological disorder caused by the power lines over his childhood home, hence my poor hearing.

I loved that boy. However, it was never meant to last as he died from a horrible accident, trying to surf down I-70 on top of his brother’s 1973 Dodge Dart. See, Reuben didn’t fit inside the car, so he rode on top (much like our [redacted] sessions). Damn that overpass!

After Reuben’s beheading, I was beside myself, not knowing how to honor his memory. Luckily, I discovered Sub Shop’s Reuben sandwhich. And even luckier – I am Vietnamese after all – I discovered that one can buy a half-Reuben (which is how I remember him), chips, and a soda for a measly $6.99!

That makes me want to [redacted] all over myself.

And I will be faxing my order today, along with a sixer of some Boulevard Wheat (slumming it at work today). You’ve got to have that Reuben on rye. It’s how our Lithuanian brethren from Omaha would have wanted it. Just don’t get the kraut and sausage sandwich, unless you like the feeling of a hundred-million dumpster fires leaking out your [redacted].

So, there’s my review. Thinking of sending it to Columbia Monthly Wedding Advertainment Magazine or maybe The Heartbeat so that I can get paid. What do you think? Do you have a favorite sandwich in town? Do you like the Reuben? Should I have gone with the vegetarian instead? Does Sub Shop really have the hottest buns? If so, why haven’t they asked me to be a spokesmodel? Do you like the  feeling of a hundred-million dumpster fires leaking out your [redacted]? Will you go to Sub Shop based on my recommendation?

Feel free to print out my copy of the menu above. I’ve added some notes to help you with your order. Cheers!

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