The Comoian: Don’t [Redacted] with CoMo

Blue Note

Not "the District" Via Chris Yunker's Photostream on Flickr

One of the more endearing/annoying aspects of Columbians is that they are eternally loyal to their hometown, no matter the situation or topic. According to the average Columbian, there is no better place to live or raise a family. The streets are safe (except for where they aren’t); the university is top-notch (in drunken debauchery); and the parks are beautiful (aside from being littered with dog excrement). In these people’s eyes, Columbia’s [redacted] doesn’t stink.

Then, someone like me comes along with some criticisms. They can’t stand it. It’s hard for them to believe that some [redacted] with a WordPress account would have the gall to insult their hometown. I guess this is an admirable trait the people of CoMo possess. They love this place for some reason and won’t hear it when someone disparages their home.

I’ve always known this about Columbia, even before I started writing for this blog. And the blog itself reflects this uncritical perspective. Post after post tells us how great the restaurants, bands, libraries, etc. are when few of these amenities would make the cut in almost any other major city.

When, as demonstrated in comments following my posts, one critiques the town, folks get stupid [redacted]. That’s a huge reason I go anonymous. This town is too small and people are too wrapped up in their town’s image for me to put my name out there. I mean, I’m only an 80-year-old Vietnamese grandmother. How can I physically hold off an attack because I don’t like a Booches [redacted] burger?

Besides, if they don’t like it, don’t read it. Funny how those who have an issue with my critiques are the ones who comment the most. For people who like to avoid negativity, they sure give me a lot of attention and throw a ton of negativity back at me. Whatever. [Redacted] it!

Here’s a news flash, Columbia, your [redacted] stinks. All of our [redacted] stinks.

The weather sucks. The food is generally substandard and wouldn’t last two days in a city with choices. The sports ball teams are a drain on public funds and attract too much attention while our students “learn” in trailers. The suburban sprawl is out of control and irresponsible. The city is segregated. You’re ruining the downtown (I refuse to call it “the District.”) with all these parking garages. And no one knows how to use the roundabouts.

Of course, I’m not all-negative. It’s the holiday season and I’m filled with the spirit of little baby Jesus and holiday charity. There’s good here as well.

A few restaurants do things right by featuring local products. I’d make love to that Patric Chocolate guy if I could get my [redacted- There was too much vulgarity going on here that I had to redact it all.-Ed.] him. I saw Arcade Fire at Mojo’s here, once. There is finally a decent Vietnamese joint that actually doesn’t feature a Chinese menu. The beer is cheap and the men are cheaper. The Katy Trail is nice when the leaves change, except when vagrants start bugging me for change. There are a couple of mega-churches where I can get my groove on while I worship.

See? It’s not all bad, Columbia. You’ve actually got a lot going for you.

So, when I see a few whiny babies getting all worked up over the fact that one 80-year-old Vietnamese grandmother doesn’t like their favorite pizza joint, I wonder what’s wrong with their self-esteem. There’s good and bad in Columbia, Missouri. You can’t have one without the other. I mean, [redacted] stinks no matter who drops the deuce. Think of this as a motto to live by, fellow Comoians.

That’s all for now. I’ll post something Christmas-y the week after next and wait patiently for your Christmas cards to arrive. Toodles!


  1. Dear Comoian,

    I love you. Don’t change. [Redacted] them if they can’t handle some criticism. Gordon Ramsey is chock full of criticism and people still watch him on TV and ask him to come fix their [redacted] restaurants. Criticism makes you stronger, or so “they” say.

  2. James Evans says:

    I could forgive all if the restaurants weren’t so terrible.

    Where is this decent Vietnamese restaurant you mention in this post?

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