The Comoian: How can you eat that?

Kate and Zac asked me to include this disclaimer so that they don’t get blamed for my opinions. That’s fine. They’re my opinions, not theirs. I can own up to that while maintaining anonymity. So, you should know that The Comoian is part of the Collective meant to provide another perspective on Columbia not currently present in our pages. This perspective – like all the opinions on this website – are not representative of The CoMo Collective, its editors, nor its writers. Take it for what it is. Leave angry comments in the space below. Blah, blah, blah…

Shakespeare's Pizza Kitchen, Columbia, MO

I might as well lick that oven now.

I don’t know what it is, but Missourians love them some [redacted]-[redacted] foods. CoMo is no exception. People go on and on about some of the most disgusting excuses for food I’ve ever shoved down my gullet. Luckily, there are bike lanes and the über-nice Katy Trail or you all would be obese and dying of heart failure… Well, the heart attack caused by high cholesterol can still happen.

Anyway, here’s a list of the top-ten most disgusting and overrated foods and eateries in CoMo. You can disagree with my assessment, but you still shouldn’t eat this [redacted].

10. Booches Burgers – This is supposed to be an institut[ion in Columbia. However, I’d argue that you should be put into an institution for eating this redacted]. Before you even get a burger, you’ll have a hell of a time finding a seat. Oh, look, there’s a table in the back… Except that you are not allowed to sit there. If you ever do find a seat, you’ll wait for 45 minutes for an [redacted] burger. The burgers are the worst part! As stacks of pre-formed patties sit out in the open air next to a 100-year-old grill, you’ll gnaw your fingers off out of hunger and pure boredom. [redacted]

9. Shakespeare’s Pizza – I have no idea why people think Shakespeare’s is so great. Oh, there’s a lovable hippie who runs it and they give kids “fresh” dough to play with… and – let’s face it – eventually eat. If you get the pizza in-house, be prepared for it to melt your face with the heat. The only thing that makes third-degree burns on your lips worse is trying to wipe them clean with old, scratchy terrycloth towels, tearing the skin from your face. So, it’s better to order your pizza to-go as cold, cardboard-like crust is way better than burning off facial skin. Also, they don’t have garlic. Who has ever heard of a pizza joint that won’t put garlic on your pizza?!?

8. Sparky’s Ice Cream – There is nothing worse than hipsters serving up ice cream I could make better with two Ziplock bags and some Morton’s salt while some of the [redacted] artwork I’ve ever seen stares through you. Creepy. So, how do they get people through door? They put BOOZE in their ice cream. That’s right. You can order some ice milk with rum or Missouri wine. [Redacted], you can just ask them to drop that [redacted] into a glass of Guinness Stout. Ben and Jerry’s should take note, I guess.

7. Brock’s Green Pepper Rings (Murry’s) – Murry’s is actually a fine establishment. Their steak sandwich (which is really just two toasted pieces of bread with some steak) is one of my favorite cheap-date meals in town, but don’t bother to order their very famous appetizer, Brock’s Green Pepper Rings. Who in the [redacted] thought it would be a good idea to deep-fry some green peppers? To top it off – literally – they sprinkle POWDERED SUGAR on the rings. Seriously. Green peppers + fried breading + POWDERED SUGAR = GROSS every day of the week.

6. Uprise’s “Bahn” Mi – First of all, it’s banh mi, you racist [redacted]! Secondly, the last time I checked, kimchi is Korean, not Vietnamese (which is from where the BANH MI originates). Third, that bread scratches the hell out of my mouth, rendering it useless for a week at least. In fact, there’s not a true bhan mi anywhere in this town. I don’t know what I expect…maybe some attempt at authenticity would be nice once in a while.

5. Sycamore’s Pork Belly Sliders – I know some of you are looking at this item and completely tuning me out, but I have a valid point. As soon as a plate of three little sandwiches arrive, shove them down your throat… See. If you think the burn from a Shakespeare’s pizza even compares when the juices from the pig’s belly (Just picture that!) touches the roof of your mouth. Instant burn and eventual blisters happen. [redacted]

4. Missouri Wines – All of them. Sorry, this is not the south of France nor is it Northern California. Grapes were not meant for our climate. The result is some crappy, overpriced dessert wine. Have you ever heard of the wonders of dry red wine, Missouri winemakers? No, you haven’t. I can buy three decent reds from Australian criminals that taste better than one Missouri wine. And I’ll get drunker. (We suspect The Comoian is already drunk at this point, possibly on a Norton. – Ed.)

3. Earnie’s Cafe and Steak House – This actually goes for any diner in CoMo, but this one especially bothers me. Ernie’s is neither a cafe nor a steak house. Don’t believe me? First, walk in. That’s bacon grease you smell, not lavender. Now, order a steak. ‘Nuff said. I just don’t get the average Columbian’s obsession with diner food. It’s greasy, nasty, bad for you, just plain gross. That and the coffee is bad. I can do a way better job using nothing but the frozen dinners in my freezer, some Sriracha sauce, a Bud Light Lime, and a microwave.

2. Bangkok Gardens – Repeat after me: White people can’t do Thai. White people can’t do Thai. White people can’t do Thai. Think that’s racist, wait until you order some food at the Garden. It’s thick and nasty and oily, basically the exact opposite of authentic Thai food. Want authentic Thai? Drive two hours to St. Louis. (Apparently, according to The Comoian, neither can Vietnamese people as the owner of Bangkok Gardens is Vietnamese. – Ed.)

1. El Maguey – I call this El Mah-Gooey, because that more aptly describes the food there better than any adjectives could. This is the blandest, lardest Tex-Mex I’ve ever had. That and they can’t even make their own tortillas. The only place that made their own torillas in this town closed, proving we Columbians have [redacted] taste in food.

Honorable Mentions:

-Tropical Liquors (AKA Trops) – Sugar rum/vodka drinks in a to-go cup? No thanks.

-Kumpai Alley – The one place I want to eat my “fresh” fish is in a dirty, [redacted]-smelling alleyway.

-Mugs Up – There’s a reason drive-up restaurants are a dying breed. Also, their hot dogs are white. WHITE.

 

Editors’ Notes:
sat·ire/ˈsaˌtī(ə)r/
Noun:
The use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of…
A play, novel, film, or other work that uses satire. – Kate

We’ve heard the complaints for The Comoian – TWO POSTS IN – and we’re doing our best to tone it down. For the first two posts, we’ve gone back and redacted the offensive language, but we will allow The Comoian her voice. That said, there is room for another opinion in Columbia, The Comoian’s included. We apologize if you’re offended, but you are free to comment below and to submit your own response for publication. As of now, The Comoian stays, but she has a short leash. – Zac

Comments

  1. My mom always said “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” In that spirit I’ll say this: There were portions of this post that didn’t seem like the dumbest shit ever written. Small portions.

    I’d want to stay anonymous too.

  2. Why is the CoMoCollective allowing anonymous troll post now? Sad part is its not even the funny kind of troll. Its the “I hate the world, I will be in my basement dungeon at my moms house” troll.

  3. Okay Goldilocks, sorry your pizza is TOO HOT. I bet the ice cubes there make your water TOO COLD and the air smells TOO PIZZA-Y!

  4. I hate to agree with The Comoian but i will never get the allure of those green pepper rings.

  5. Elizabeth says:

    The Comoian rocks! This is the best post I have ever read on the Como Collective. It’s about 90 percent dead-on. I just take issue with your assessment of Sparky’s. The only thing I don’t like about Sparky’s is the neon green-and-purple storefront (but even that has grown on my over the years).

  6. Elizabeth says:

    Oh, forgot to defend Kampai Sushi in Alley A. They have the best sushi in town, and the atmosphere is vastly superior to Sake (overrun with college students) and Osaka (sushi in a suburban strip mall). Personally I thought the alley location gave it a more “urban” feel. But that’s just me.

    • Isn’t Sake closed? That would account for the massive amount of college students at Kampaii last time I was there. Glad they have the business but sushi tastes better without the accompanying sounds of frat boys.

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