The Comoian: Mizz-Who?

Kate and Zac asked me to include this disclaimer so that they don’t get blamed for my opinions. That’s fine. They’re my opinions, not theirs. I can own up to that while maintaining anonymity. So, you should know that The Comoian is part of the Collective meant to provide another perspective on Columbia not currently present in our pages. This perspective – like all the opinions on this website – are not representative of The CoMo Collective, its editors, nor its writers. Take it for what it is. Leave angry comments in the space below. Blah, blah, blah…

Is this really what you want?

So, the University of Missouri is on the verge of joining the SEC. Woopty-freakin’-do.

First of all, you’re delusional if you think this will be good Missouri’s “football” program. They are preparing to join the SEC, THE GREATEST FOOTBALL CONFERENCE OF ALL-TIME that regularly chews up mediocre football programs and spits out a bloody mess with much frequency. (See: The Big Ten) Not only that, but Mizzou will likely be in the toughest division in football, the SEC West. That means annual thrashings by the likes of LSU, Alabama, and Auburn…and, let’s face it, Arkansas as well.

There will be no more mythical Big 12 North Championships with an opportunity to get whooped by an overrated Oklahoma Sooners team. No longer will the likes of Iowa State, Kansas, Kansas State (sans Bill Snyder), Baylor, Nebraska, or Texas Tech litter Missouri’s schedule with duds and the annual “upset.” Gone are the days of 45-38 shootouts and two-hand-touch defense. Say “so-long” to 8-win seasons, Tigers. Your days of happy mediocrity and the Insight Bowl bids are over.

Some of you will point out that Missouri is a basketball school. Yeah, like KENTUCKY? Or how about comparing the number of Final Four appearances at Missouri (0) to those of decidedly-non-basketball schools like Florida (4) and LSU(4)? Missouri’s a basketball school. Why? Because the football program was a joke for two decades? That must be it.

There are some Mizzou supporters who will say that Missouri has a long history of excellence. This makes Missouri attractive to the SEC, sort of like a fancy new doormat. And what does that history look like? The following three video clips represent the most important moments of Missouri sports history:

That’s right. The greatest moments in University of Missouri athletic history are all losses. I suggest Mizzou and their fans ready themselves for a lot more of this and a return from the lands of Lofty Expectations and Delusions for the more familiar confines of Mediocre City.

And that’s a best-case scenario. More than likely, the arms race that is SEC football will crush our little university. Faurot Field is larger than a measly four SEC stadiums, belonging to the murders’ row of Vanderbilt, Kentucky, and the Mississippi schools. Yep, that’s the kind of company Mizzou will keep in the SEC basement.

Then, there are the coaches. Missouri mistakenly thought Washington wanted Gary Pinkel, but who really thought they wanted a career .600 coach to resurrect their program? It’s unlikely Pinkel was ever a serious option. Either way, Mizzou is being taken for over $2.5 million a year from the man who would rather call a fake field goal on third down than give a scholarship to a fullback. That sounds like a lot of money the state of Missouri doesn’t have compared to other SEC coaches like Will Muschamp ($2.7 million), Bobby Petrino ($2.7 million), Mark Richt ($2.9 million), Les Miles ($3.9 million), and the diminutive-but-mighty Nick Saban ($6 million). Mizzou’s brain trust-in-a-visor just isn’t in their league – literally for now and figuratively forever.

Of course, the real drawback to Missouri’s move to the SEC, is the loss of tradition. There will be no more 15-point losses to Kansas in basketball. Tailgating in Columbia will soon be overwhelmed with blue and orange, crimson and white, or purple and gold instead of black and yellow. The great tradition of conference and national championships at Missouri…I suppose that will “continue.”

Also, how ’bout them Cards?


  1. I never thought I would want to fight an 80-year grandmother…

  2. Watch out Adam, I bet she bites.

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