The Comoian: #Occupy KBIA

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Kate and Zac asked me to include this disclaimer so that they don’t get blamed for my opinions. That’s fine. They’re my opinions, not theirs. I can own up to that while maintaining anonymity. So, you should know that The Comoian is part of the Collective meant to provide another perspective on Columbia not currently present in our pages. This perspective – like all the opinions on this website – are not representative of The CoMo Collective, its editors, nor its writers. Take it for what it is. Leave angry comments in the space below. Blah, blah, blah…

Here we are again. KBIA is asking for handouts, interrupting my news in the process. I dread this time of year. One of these days, I’ll just turn off the radio and maybe read something for a change.

Of course, I am a member. So, I can complain. I’ve paid for the right to complain. However, I honestly have not given as much as I could. This year will be different, though. Many of you are probably unaware that I am independently wealthy. I made a boatload in the nineties investing in asbestos removal and selling baby seal meat on the black market. So, I think I have a proposition KBIA can’t ignore.

I will pay one year’s operating expenses* for the station if they meet the following demands:

1. Don’t interrupt my Morning Edition, nor my All Things Considered. I’m lazy and prefer not to read my news. I want NPR to just give it to me. However, this is increasingly difficult with Darren Hellwege (more on him later) interrupting the dulcet tones of Steve Inskeep and Renee Montagne in the mornings and Robert Siegel in the evenings. I get all hot and bothered imagining my life as a Inskeep/Siegel sandwich. Oh yeah, who’s got the mustard?

2. Dump Darren Hellwege! There’s a reason his name sounds like whatever I have in-store for me in Hell once I’ve battened down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. It’s because his voice and incessant babbling between reports is like fingernails on a chalkboard. I wake up from my hot Steve Inskeep fantasies every time Helwege opens his trap, causing me to vomit in my mouth a little. This isn’t personal. I just don’t think Helwege has a voice for radio. A face for radio? Yes, but not the voice.

3. Enough with the classical music, already! No one has listened to that crap since the 17th century. That tremor you feel every morning around 9 AM is the result of 2,500 radio dials turning off whenever they are jolted into reality by “The March of the Swiss Soldiers” or something as equally annoying. Ugh. All I want is my World Cafe. You know, a program that features music from at least the last century.

4. No more pledge drives! My gift after you meet my demands should allow this one to become a reality. Still, no one likes to deal with begging. I never accepted begging from my twelve children and I won’t accept it from my public radio station.

5. Give Pepper his walking papers. KOMU wised up and dumped his [redacted]. I thought public radio people were smarter than TV folk. This proves I was wrong.

6. You’re begging for money on a Sunday?!? The only thing worse than interrupting the lord’s day (meaning the day reserved for the Sunday edition of the New York Times) would be a Jehovah’s Witness knocking at my door on a Saturday. Man, I hate those [redacted] and their ties!

7. When I make a pledge, I want my name read on-air by either Alec Baldwin or Sylvia Pujoli. Listening to Helwege read my name is enough to cause me to forget my name forever. I want the royal treatment for having to put up with pledge drives every quarter. I want Jack Donaghy to say my name seductively or Sylvia Pujoli to say my name in Italian for the kind of cash I’m about to throw your way.

8. Say it with me: NO MORE PLEDGE DRIVES!

9. Quit holding my favorite programming hostage. You’re already keeping me from my daily dose of reality and now you want a ransom in exchange for news? Plus, all those [redacted] who give money on the condition that the rest of us fork over some cash for $10 off our bill at Lakota while disguising it as a “challenge” is just plain stupid. Why don’t those jerks just write their checks and we can quit this whole song and dance?

10. [Redacted] Even we here at the collective have some minimum standards. #10 defied all kinds of human decency as well as animal decency. -Ed.

*For toothbrushes. Whatever KBIA’s toothbrush expense, I will pay it for one year.

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