Everybody gets all weird about this time of year with all their Thanksgiving this and Christmas that. Suddenly, they’re tossing out holiday cliches and making sentiments that they’d never say under normal circumstances. All this thankfulness and cheesy sentimental [redacted] makes me want to throw up a little stuffing and gravy in my mouth…and swallow it back down of course.
I’m thankful for my loving family. I love the smell of the holiday season. I pray for peace in the Middle East and that our corporate overlords feel the Christmas spirit enough to allow us one more holiday season with a roof over our heads.
Blah, blah, blah.
Well here’s a list of ten things for which I’m not thankful. Take note and leave me an angry comment or cheer me on as your new leader.
10. Another parking garage – Do we really need another parking garage downtown? Come on. The city can’t even pay for the new one and they’re talking more parking garages down in city hall. I have never not been able to find a space on the street downtown…except for those [redacted] taxi-reserved spots on Cherry, but more on that later.
9. The mismanagement of downtown attractions, Missouri Theater and Youzeum – Downtown is small, but mighty. It offers a lot to all Comoians. However, two of the more important attractions have been sadly mismanaged. The Missouri Theater is iconic, majestic even, but it looks like it’s hanging on by a thread. The Youseum is gone and is being replaced with office space. The kids just don’t find staplers and copiers nearly as much fun as the attractions in the old Youseum.
8. Students – Thankfully, they’re all gone this week, but they’ll be back to wreak havoc on unsuspecting Comoians. With their popped collars and stupid Ugg boots, they take over our watering holes and make crossing the street an adventure. Can’t they go to school somewhere else?
7. Paying for Take-out – Nobody does their own take-out anymore. Nope, you have to call one of the myriad of companies who will charge you a hefty premium just to bring you substandard restaurant “food.” No thanks. I’ll pass.
6. Taxis – Taxis provide a valuable service for Columbia’s drunks. However, I’m not really sure why they get their own parking spaces downtown. In almost every city in the world, taxis drive around, looking for patrons. It’s really not that hard. That and all the taxis belong to someone (Terry’s, Jim’s, Bob’s, etc.) Whatever happened to Yellow Taxi?
5. Two Hour Drives to a Real Airport – Sometimes, I like to escape all that’s wrong with this place by going somewhere else. A decent airport might help. Instead, I feel as if I’m stuck here. Our lone “airport” frightens me. Whenever I fly out of CoMo, I feel as if someone has to turn the propellers to get us started just before we dust some crops on the way to Memphis. Airports in St. Louis and Kansas City are so far away that it makes it unbearable to imagine another two hours on a plane after driving the two hours to the airport.
4. The Best Indian in a Seedy Motel – There are things for which I’m thankful. One of those is Curries. The Indian Food there is easily the best in town. Sure, the old man I can’t understand screws up my order each time, but the food is good, almost homemade. Then, you go there to pick your food. Curries is located in the seediest motel in town, The Eastwood. Located just off I-70 and the Business “Loop,” one can only imagine the type [redacted] that goes on in the rooms of the Eastwood. I suspect there’s a meth lab in at least two rooms, Johns with hookers in a few more, and possibly a cat lady in another room. Good food, but I just don’t want to eat my food that close to so much crime and disease.
3. No Gay Bars Downtown – How can this be a college town or bastion of liberalism in a sea of conservatives if there’s no gay bar downtown? The Arch and Columns are located on the “Loop” and SoCo is down off Nifong in the jungle of strip malls (more on that next). I’m so tired of getting bumped by frat boys downtown looking to [redacted] or skinny girls dressed inappropriately for the weather, also looking for [redacted]. Where are the good, wholesome gay club kids of CoMo? We need something fabulous to do downtown. Maybe we could decorate one of those empty parking garages and hold gay raves every weekend. Whatever, downtown’s lack of a gay presence is just plain lame.
2. A Lack of Vision – City “planners” here have taken the idea of city/suburban sprawl to new depths. It’s as if a developer comes in and says “I want a McDonald’s here!” while looking away from a map and pointing randomly at a space between your back porch and a creek. The mazes of streets between the jumbled mess of strip malls all over town show no plan and no vision. Sometimes, I wish we could just bomb the [redacted] out of the “suburbs and start over, sort of like Sim City.
1. Thin-skinned Comoians – Ever since I started this column, there’s been all this whining. Some are brave enough to post it here in the comments. Others complain to Zac and Kate. What? No one’s allowed to criticize your precious CoMo? Well, I have news for you: I’m here to stay and I won’t hold anything back. Well, except for the [redacted] and [redacted]. That’s to appease Zac and Kate. It’s not for the naysayers.
What kills me is that the posts that receive the most traffic on this site are mine. I suspect the same people who hate this column are the same ones who keep coming back to stew over something they can’t do anything about. Why not do something positive with your time and leave me the [redacted] alone? You could write a response for the Collective that highlights all that’s good about this place. No, you’d rather troll my lame attempt at fulfilling that J-School degree I never finished.
Now, where’s the [redacted] turkey? If it’s gonna be that kinda party, I’m gonna stick my [redacted] in the mashed potatoes!